Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Randomize
