tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
