It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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