I hope my margaritas pass through security.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
