I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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