We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
She told me I should be a condom model.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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