Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Randomize
