I just saw a hot homeless man
are you so shy because you have an std?
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Randomize
