so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Sorry about my life...
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Randomize
