Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
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