Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize