I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
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Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
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No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Randomize