two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
Randomize
