anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Randomize
