I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
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My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
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Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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