i just wanna soil my oats bro
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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