I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
