I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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