i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
