saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
she woke up with a sticky ear
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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