Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Randomize
