Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
You have to summon your inner elephant
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Randomize
