I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
and she was petting her beer can
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Randomize
