what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
