I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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