i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Randomize
