I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
