I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
These tits shall not be calmed
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
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