I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
