you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
Randomize
