why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
