yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
