I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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