3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
