There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
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