my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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