I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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