If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Less talking, more tequila
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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