How long until YT realizes that it's a man?
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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