i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
apparently the secret to your success is patron
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Randomize
