We walked 2 miles, legit 2 miles, and purchased 7 half gallons. One for each of us. Intense
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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