The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
