we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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