ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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