Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
Randomize
