Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Randomize
