the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
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