wat bout pragnant strippers??
We didn't go..parents came home with patron wanting to play drinking games --we asked no questions
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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