how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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