her vagina looked like bernie madoff
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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