i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Randomize
