toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I'm gonna fight the coyote
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
