the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
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Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
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Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.