I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
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