just got booed by the entire restaurant.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
These People Had Regrettable One Night Stands
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
This Girl Makes Latte Art That’s Too Cute to Drink
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??