I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
