I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
