I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
