well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Randomize
