Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
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